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I’ve wanted to eat for a while now, but I’ve been saving myself so I can eat at Eisenbergs. I get the same thing every time: Chicken salad with bacon lettuce and tomato on rye, and seltzer from the tap. Sometimes I get the egg salad with bacon, but never toast my bread. They got this old gun at the end of the counter and all it shoots out is seltzer, and I tell you..it’s perfect.

Sometimes if I am with a friend I will order fries to share while we split a sandwich, or if not fries, I’ll order a matzo ball soup. The matzo ball soup is nice because they mix the matzo ball with chicken noodle.

Polly first told me about this place, she claimed it had the best egg salad in the city. Another client insisted it was all about their tuna salad, and someone else said they were famous for the tuna melt. I don’t know, me personally, tuna melts don’t really make any sense, I mean it should be cold, but you need it to be hot to melt the cheese, but it’s tuna salad, which tastes weird hot, it should be cold, I’m just not feeling it.

It’s like lettuce, I don’t get lettuce on a burrito, or worse yet on pizza. What is up with this town and people making chicken caesar salad pizzas? I’m just saying, salad when it’s cool, crisp and fresh, yeah, I love it, but hot just tastes wrong.

I ate here with Brian and Hope. We had that chocolate cake which is fucking rich. Jesus, I thought I had a diabetic shot after eating that cake, it’s awesome. Hope ordered a matzo brei…I wasn’t impressed, neither was she. I brought Aylin here a couple of summers ago. I wanted to get a chocolate shake, and they made em thick, unlike those fucking charlatans over at the Shake Shack. More like the Shit Shack, that place is a real dump, and yet there is always a line wrapped around Madison square park for that garbage.

I took my mom here, she loves the egg creams, and a good egg cream is getting hard to find. Me and Farhad spent time here before he left town. He was only supposed to be gone for a year..now it’s been three. Brought Mytchie here, she told the puerto rican dude behind the counter not to put too much pastrami on her sandwich, he didn’t listen. Fucking War’s “spill that wine” came on the radio, someone asked who it was, he said Santana. Sure as shit he wasn’t listening.

I brought Jon here. He got that Celray celery soda shit, and gave me his approval for the matzo ball soup. I really need to catch up with him. Last time we talked he was telling me how he went into a coma whilst dialing 911. I remember asking him “you felt yourself going into a coma? How did that feel, can you describe it?”. He said it was like that scene in 2001, when Dave turned off HAL. Everything just started winding down and became slower until it all faded to black.

I met Roberto here to give him some software, we sat in the back. I never sit in the back but I needed to plug in. Once again he was showing me pictures on his camera of some chicks cunt. This is totally unsolicited mind you, I’ll just be working on something and he’ll start showing me pictures of him performing an ovarian observation. Fucking sixty year old Panamanian black dude still getting young white women to bare it all in front of a camera. God bless him.

Me and Becky the Jew ate here, we just split soup and a sandwich. She looked out for my place when I was in California hopping from weed farm to weed farm. I got her a wood carving of bigfoot that I found in a gift shop in the redwood forest. I noticed the carving could totally double for Chewbacca. Then I painted a yamaka on his head and put a gold chain with a star of david around his neck and called him Jewbacca. She recently met this dude that measured his affection for her in snack food, in that his feelings for her were as serious as the Keebler elves. I asked if the elves were really Jewish; Maybe they changed their names at Ellis Island when they came over. Keeblerg…it happens. Jews do make good baked goods.

Me and Jaxie ate here… must have been just over a year ago. That’s when all that shit started. Just a big fucking inferno with absolutely no god damn scrupples. Two friends whom I love dearly and a worthless snake shitting on everything in site, not giving fuck-all who got it.

Jesus so much happened in the last year alone. Mytchie and I stopped talking, me and Tony got in an car accident, I went to jail in Sonoma county, Sola and I just argued, Ure had his wild goose chase in Greenland, I spent Christmas and New Year in a weed house, Porcha told me I was the father, but I wasn’t. I got drunk and pissed on Angela’s meditation rug, Aylin and I stopped talking twice, Alan came to the states, and now the Bodega, mi casa segundo, is closing in less than a week.

I sit down and behind the counter is the same two Mexicans that always serve me. He recognizes me and asks if I want a menu. I just shake my head and ask for my order.

“Dame ensalada de polla con tocino y rye”. He replies “tostada?”..


“tomati y lachuga?”


“quieres tomar?”


I’m gonna need hot sauce, maybe they got some Cholula.