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If I never have to see one more ad or banner, or even some cheap piece of graffiti on the wall telling me how I need to stop eating meat (or animals for that matter), it wont be soon enough. Some dimwit had an awakening and went from eating Big Macs to Bean Burritos and now all of a sudden they are holier than thou. Take my ex roommate from when I lived on Bedford ave. This was girl whom when I met her, ate pork and all other types of meat.

Then one day she got a boyfriend who was a vegetarian, and it wasn’t long before she became vegetarian herself. I’m not really sure what possessed her to stop eating meat though I do remember one day she mentioned that her boyfriend would make fun of her every time she ate meat. Why you would make fun of the person you are dating over their diet? This is something I only seem to notice with vegetarians, because so many of them tend to be condescending liberal fascists. Some of them go as far to claim that they can’t live with someone who eats meat or more specifically cooks meat in the house because it gives them a headache (I honestly remember applying for roommates in Seattle and San Francisco and hearing this shit). I’m willing to bet I know what is causing that headache… its your stomach with cravings for meat sending shockwaves to you head.

As for my roommate compromising her own identity and caving into her boyfriend’s ridicule; all I can say is that she didn’t possess much leverage in the looks department seeing how overweight she was and how acne had obviously won a turf war on her face. But I tell you this, the boyfriend in question didn’t seem to have a problem with the fact that she smoked one cigarette after the next, only to ash on her pants leg and rub it in with her hand, or if need be, just to ash on the floor. Nor did he have problem with the fact that she didn’t shower regularly, her dog shit in the house routinely and she never seemed to have any motivation to clean her menstrual blood off the toilet seat.

Lets just say she had a problem keeping a man and now she was a vegetarian, and to be honest, this doesn’t bother me at all. I may think it’s a little odd, but whatever, I don’t feel the need to tell her how to live and to each their own.

Enter my uncle. A man who has 100 acres upstate that he likes to go hunting on; and from time to time catches a deer, only to take it to the butcher and have it cut up how he likes. Well on a recent visit to my uncle I had expressed my curiosity in trying the venison he caught and he in turn being the kind soul that he is, gave me some chops that he had just got back from the butcher. I was excited about this and as soon as I got back from long island, put the venison in the freezer for safe-keeping.

A couple of days after having done this I went to the freezer for some random reason, I think I was just getting ice for a drink when I noticed something. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something was wrong, something was missing. I got it… where was my venison? In fact all that was in the freezer were the ice trays, some frozen pizzas (which belonged to my vegetarian friends in their quest for a “healthy” diet), and a brown paper bag.

What was in the brown paper bag? I decided to look because who knows, maybe somehow the venison was in the bag… and low and behold, it was. Now, why was it in the bag, was what I wanted to know. If it was in the refrigerator and was leaking blood, I could easily understand putting it in a plastic bag, no problem. But this was the freezer, and it was in a brown paper bag.

No sooner did I begin to question this than did Danielle (whoops I mean my roommate) walk in the kitchen, and so I decided to ask her if she knew what was going on. Without batting an eye she said “you live in a house full of vegetarians, we don’t want to look at your meat”.

First off, who the fuck is “we”? There were only two people living in that apartment at the time; her and I. Who was the “we” she was referring to? Did she have a turd in her pocket? Or was it she was referring to herself and her boyfriend, who never paid rent?. More annoying was the fact that now that she was a vegetarian, she all of a sudden felt not only righteous indignation for people who ate meat, but she was also condescending.

In her eyes she had just made a step up in the dietary ladder of evolution.  Never mind the fact that she still bought Kraft Macaroni and cheese by the case, ate Haagen Dazs by the gallon, and routinely dined over three-course meals at Taco Bell. But now I am the bad guy?

This is the problem with these vegetarian/vegan assholes (it’s also a common problem with ex-drug addicts); they feel that any change in their lifestyle justifies not only condensation of others whom in their eyes haven’t, but also condemnation. Get the fuck outta here!

To be fair, however, I wont say that I don’t see both ways. I understand that for a newly recruited vegetarian, seeing a commercial for “Pork: the other white meat”, can be frustrating. Or how about “Beef: its what’s for dinner”? If I was vegan, I can’t say that the “Milk, it does a body good” campaign would make any real difference in my life, but that “Give em all a little pat of Butter” commercial would drive me crazy simply from a culinary perspective, butter is wonder in the kitchen. Shit if I could never have butter again that commercial would make me break out in hives as I tried desperately to stop my mouth from watering over.

Forget The American Cattleman’s Beef Association telling me I need to eat beef for dinner, I’ve got alternatives, hell, a simple Google search turns up a myriad of alternatives. The most extreme I found to be afterbirth. Yes, Time magazine just this year (2009) printed an article written by a man who’s wife ate her own afterbirth because she read that they’re were various other mammals that did the same thing. Whoever this woman was I wonder if anyone had told her that there were various species of mammals that also ate their own young.

Oh well, fuck beef being “what’s for dinner”, and fuck Quaker for telling me that oatmeal is what’s for breakfast. As matter of fact, fuck all the people online saying that peanut butter, bacon, chicken, or even weirder Whale, was “what’s for lunch”.

And what about brunch…or a midnight snack? I figure it all depends on who you ask. Like if I asked Keith Richards, he would say Rum for breakfast, cocaine for lunch and heroin for dinner. Maybe I am wrong, maybe he would say cocaine with his coffee first thing in the morning; morning for Keith being noon therefore blurring breakfast and lunch together as one meal, but heroin would still be saved for dinner. I’m willing to bet money that if you asked Cookie monster, he would just “cookie”, for breakfast, lunch and dinner. As for someone like Sarah Palin, she would probably say whatever was in front of her.

oh…and Danielle Hlatky is a piece of shit.